As you are all very aware, a few of The League’s best looking members took a road trip to Seattle this past weekend to watch the Seahawks play the Rams at CenturyLink Field for Monday Night Football.
As disinterested as the rest of you might be, I like to document my exploits for my memoirs. So a few photos and a quick recap.
We arrived at Fox Sports Grill at 10:10 in the morning and there was already tons of people there getting sauced. In all honesty it was a bit overwhelming as I had every single one of my players going and couldn’t keep up. We started off slowly but by the end of the morning games we were all several beers deep. The best part this whole experience was seeing an entire bar full of people screaming at the television before noon on a Sunday.
That’s how fervent Americans are about their pigskin. By the time we left following the afternoon games, we had spent a few hundred dollars, drank way too many beers and made exactly zero friends.
Went back to the hotel, shotgunned some beers, and went to go walk and find a bar. The TSN turning point was when were approached by two intimidating black men who wanted us to give them money. I offered a cigarette instead and as they attempted to extort us, we got to know one another. The more amicable of the two was Andre, who I made quick friends with and wanted to buy weed from. The more intimidating was Lefty, a one-armed war veteran who had lost his limb in the service. Or was it in the service? Couldn’t be sure. We paid about 60 dollars for a dimebag, took a picture, and probably came closer to being robbed blind than we would have liked. Also Lefty said Danny looked like Bill Gates.
Then we ended up getting really drunk at this bar called the Blarney Stone where the world’s greatest bartender named Tommy works. Tommy kept feeding us free shots of fireball. Needless to say I came very close to puking. We all lost money on the Cowboys-Giants game.
Then we left the bar, hopped in cab, and when we got out, there was Andre again! Almost like he was following us. Thankfully Lefty had gone home, presumably killing several people along the way. Andre took us to a bar called Volume. We didn’t have to wait because we were over 21 (?), and once inside I’m not really sure what occurred.
We took a party cab home, wrestled several times in the hotel room, smoked weed out of a pop can, had hotel management come up twice to tell us to be quiet (fucking Lawrence) and fell asleep in eachother’s arms.
-nap time/Law & Order
-Strip Club (Dreamgirls? They didn’t serve booze. Wack)
-Marinara sauce argument (Dan pro, Me anti)
-Sweet, sweet sleep
It was a fucking rad trip that would be even crazier with a few more guys. The field is absolutely ridiculous. The city, while completely devoid of convenience stores, has some sweet bars and a good atmosphere, and live NFL is off the chain.
On to the power poll, where the stakes have never been higher.
I’d like to take this opportunity to reflect on the victory I earned in Week 14. There are three reasons it was so amazing.
1. Dave openly mocked me for paying so much for the Seattle D/ST. Laughed at me for paying $14. Then they were the reason I ended his season.
2. It came against the Rams, Dave’s favourite team. Though apparently he might be pulling a flip-flop for the ages and switching to the Giants.
3. I was there in person to cheer as my D/ST absolutely beasted and won me the game, even contributing to my victory by being a part of the vaunted 12th Man. Laugh away, but those false starts fucked up the Rams offense on the drive that led to the blocked kick.
it must rank as one of the most clutch comebacks in The League’s short history.
The lowest total points of teams moving forward and some not so great performances from my starting QB and WRs still keep me at the bottom of the pack going in to the Final Four. Still, I have plenty of confidence that I could pick up the W this week because all I do is win. Ray Rice and Boldin have a favourable matchup, Helu seems to be locked in as the ball carrier in Washington and AJ Green continues to be AJ Green. All things considered I obviously have been quite fortunate to make it this far, but that Seahawks move should go down in history as a testament to me being fucking legendary. Call the Coast Guard, cause I’m going to the ‘ship.
Again with this guy. He’s like a zombie in the sense he doesn’t die and would also eat a man’s penis if offered. Probably the unlikeliest of our final four squads, Leon was a fantasy football rookie headed in to the season and through a series of moves that were equal parts bold and misguided he ended up with a team that just keeps on winning, week after week. Not even going to analyze the team as I keep ripping it and it keeps making me look stupid. He does have some pretty easy match ups though and at some point maybe I should start giving him some credit. He is just one win away from the Finals. Nah. He blows.
It was kind of sad to see Marc go down at the hand of Hutz. On the other hand, fuck Marc. Hutz has had a hell of a run and his team looks scarier now than ever. To think a few weeks ago I was mocking him with Tom Petty songs and now he sits on the verge of making the finals. Regardless of his fate, you have to hand it to the UBC alumnus/javelinist/mustard enthusiast, his drastic maneuvers have paid off big time and his prowess has been on full display. That being said, his team looks beatable this week. AP said he is playing Sunday, which means Harvin, who has been deadly of late, will be far less utilized. His revolving door at TE is a bit of cause for concern, Eli Manning is due to throw 16 interceptions in a game and Pittsburgh has a tough test on Monday. Really I’m just searching for problems on a team that is rolling, but if Hutz has proven anything, it’s that his squad goes low and then high, and judging from the massive wave he is riding, I fully expect him to crash and burn at some point. Let’s hope that point comes before Week 17.
I’, not scared as I should be because it seems like there is nowhere to go but down for Dockers. He gets so much out of every position on a weekly basis that at some point logic would dictate there is at least a slight drop off from the likes of Gronk, Nelson and Newton. Of course, maybe they are just really good and that is just wishful thinking on my part. I guess Lawfirm only banking 19 yards last week should be solace, but it wasn’t the type of game in which he would be utilized. Also, Mike Wallace didn’t score but only because his knee grazed the ground, so no comfort there. Not gonna lie, I want them to win the least out of the remaining players, and I’m not really sure why. Probably has something to do with the fact I will have to see both of them and be reminded of it if they win, which always blows ass. If Leon wins I will just ignore his initial string of garbled french messages and then never hear about it again until next year. If Androo wins he will probably post something on the UBC Alumni newsletter homepage but then I’d never talk to him. Not like he goes on chat or anything except to poach one-liners. We don’t hang out. But if Dockers win I will have to hear their actual voices tell me they won. FUCK THAT. Havve you heard their voices? They have built a very competitive team, mostly on the back of a guy they payed $3 for and a TE nobody would have predicted would put together the season Gronk is having. I don’t know if that makes them incredibly smart or incredibly lucky. Either way, going to try to put an end to the first-year powerhouse and Western Conference Champs’ season this Sunday.
They’re called toques, not beanies, you stupid American fucks. And don’t you forget it.