Another season and another Championship for everybody’s favourite rapist.
#curtailthecomplaining #suckitlosers #Threepeat2012
It has been another fantastic season for The League, and not just because I am in the Finals (again). Friendships were forged, lines were crossed and then crossed out (THERE ARE NO LINES!) and untold amounts of alcohol and other illicit substances were consumed all in the name of fantasy football. Everybody says they have the best fantasy league with the most die hard players and the craziest situations, but I feel like The League really does have that magic ingredient that takes it to the next level. That ingredient: unabashed racism.
Final Power Poll. I’d say it’s been fun writing them all year but it’s been a thankless burden. #curtailthecomplaining
1a. The Brink
I am still baffled by his success. Reggie Bush has somehow emerged as a Top 10 back in the last few weeks, Laurent Robinson continues to put up numbers despite seeing fewer targets after the return of Miles Austin and his revolving door at receiver always seems to have the right guy standing in it. But look past the luck and long shots and you find the rock-solid Baltimore D/ST, the terrifying-when-things-are-going-right Antonio Gates and the fantasy reliable but real life choke artist Tony Romo putting up points week in and week out. I have harped on him all year for having the shittiest team of the whole bunch on paper, but he has made some bold calls that have panned out (a few that haven’t) and pulled the trigger on a massive trade that could have made him look foolish but instead made him look pretty freaking smart. I feel like I have written those exact sentences a bunch of times because I probably have, but if Leon wins the ‘Ship we will look back and say he did more with less, played on the edge and took a ton of risks that ended up winning him the Crown.
I’d be lying if I said I expected to be back in The Finals. Less than a month ago I needed a ho-hum performance from Drew Brees and the Saints just to get in to the dance. Then the Miracle in Seattle happened to get me out of the first round, and last week I needed a MONSTER/KINDA FLUKY performance out of Seattle again to take down the mighty Dockers United. But here I am, and despite using the max moves allowed I have pretty much the same core as when I started the year. Vick is my QB. Rice is my RB. AJ Green is my nigga and the rest you know all too well. My problem now is injuries. Boldin is out. Green’s shoulder is sprained or something and Helu has toe/knee/coach issues. Other than that though match ups look solid. Ravens at Browns (unfortunately also benefits Brink), Vick against a Cowboys team he has lit up a few times and Green against Arizona. After winning last year I received little credit for my victory because my team was auto-drafted, but when I take home the blue jacket this year I will silence the haters.
Saturday gonna be crazy. Let’s make it the greatest chat day ever and don’t forget the magic ingredient.
As you are all very aware, a few of The League’s best looking members took a road trip to Seattle this past weekend to watch the Seahawks play the Rams at CenturyLink Field for Monday Night Football.
As disinterested as the rest of you might be, I like to document my exploits for my memoirs. So a few photos and a quick recap.
We arrived at Fox Sports Grill at 10:10 in the morning and there was already tons of people there getting sauced. In all honesty it was a bit overwhelming as I had every single one of my players going and couldn’t keep up. We started off slowly but by the end of the morning games we were all several beers deep. The best part this whole experience was seeing an entire bar full of people screaming at the television before noon on a Sunday.
That’s how fervent Americans are about their pigskin. By the time we left following the afternoon games, we had spent a few hundred dollars, drank way too many beers and made exactly zero friends.
Went back to the hotel, shotgunned some beers, and went to go walk and find a bar. The TSN turning point was when were approached by two intimidating black men who wanted us to give them money. I offered a cigarette instead and as they attempted to extort us, we got to know one another. The more amicable of the two was Andre, who I made quick friends with and wanted to buy weed from. The more intimidating was Lefty, a one-armed war veteran who had lost his limb in the service. Or was it in the service? Couldn’t be sure. We paid about 60 dollars for a dimebag, took a picture, and probably came closer to being robbed blind than we would have liked. Also Lefty said Danny looked like Bill Gates.
Then we ended up getting really drunk at this bar called the Blarney Stone where the world’s greatest bartender named Tommy works. Tommy kept feeding us free shots of fireball. Needless to say I came very close to puking. We all lost money on the Cowboys-Giants game.
Then we left the bar, hopped in cab, and when we got out, there was Andre again! Almost like he was following us. Thankfully Lefty had gone home, presumably killing several people along the way. Andre took us to a bar called Volume. We didn’t have to wait because we were over 21 (?), and once inside I’m not really sure what occurred.
We took a party cab home, wrestled several times in the hotel room, smoked weed out of a pop can, had hotel management come up twice to tell us to be quiet (fucking Lawrence) and fell asleep in eachother’s arms.
-nap time/Law & Order
-Strip Club (Dreamgirls? They didn’t serve booze. Wack)
-Marinara sauce argument (Dan pro, Me anti)
-Sweet, sweet sleep
It was a fucking rad trip that would be even crazier with a few more guys. The field is absolutely ridiculous. The city, while completely devoid of convenience stores, has some sweet bars and a good atmosphere, and live NFL is off the chain.
On to the power poll, where the stakes have never been higher.
I’d like to take this opportunity to reflect on the victory I earned in Week 14. There are three reasons it was so amazing.
1. Dave openly mocked me for paying so much for the Seattle D/ST. Laughed at me for paying $14. Then they were the reason I ended his season.
2. It came against the Rams, Dave’s favourite team. Though apparently he might be pulling a flip-flop for the ages and switching to the Giants.
3. I was there in person to cheer as my D/ST absolutely beasted and won me the game, even contributing to my victory by being a part of the vaunted 12th Man. Laugh away, but those false starts fucked up the Rams offense on the drive that led to the blocked kick.
it must rank as one of the most clutch comebacks in The League’s short history.
The lowest total points of teams moving forward and some not so great performances from my starting QB and WRs still keep me at the bottom of the pack going in to the Final Four. Still, I have plenty of confidence that I could pick up the W this week because all I do is win. Ray Rice and Boldin have a favourable matchup, Helu seems to be locked in as the ball carrier in Washington and AJ Green continues to be AJ Green. All things considered I obviously have been quite fortunate to make it this far, but that Seahawks move should go down in history as a testament to me being fucking legendary. Call the Coast Guard, cause I’m going to the ‘ship.
Again with this guy. He’s like a zombie in the sense he doesn’t die and would also eat a man’s penis if offered. Probably the unlikeliest of our final four squads, Leon was a fantasy football rookie headed in to the season and through a series of moves that were equal parts bold and misguided he ended up with a team that just keeps on winning, week after week. Not even going to analyze the team as I keep ripping it and it keeps making me look stupid. He does have some pretty easy match ups though and at some point maybe I should start giving him some credit. He is just one win away from the Finals. Nah. He blows.
It was kind of sad to see Marc go down at the hand of Hutz. On the other hand, fuck Marc. Hutz has had a hell of a run and his team looks scarier now than ever. To think a few weeks ago I was mocking him with Tom Petty songs and now he sits on the verge of making the finals. Regardless of his fate, you have to hand it to the UBC alumnus/javelinist/mustard enthusiast, his drastic maneuvers have paid off big time and his prowess has been on full display. That being said, his team looks beatable this week. AP said he is playing Sunday, which means Harvin, who has been deadly of late, will be far less utilized. His revolving door at TE is a bit of cause for concern, Eli Manning is due to throw 16 interceptions in a game and Pittsburgh has a tough test on Monday. Really I’m just searching for problems on a team that is rolling, but if Hutz has proven anything, it’s that his squad goes low and then high, and judging from the massive wave he is riding, I fully expect him to crash and burn at some point. Let’s hope that point comes before Week 17.
I’, not scared as I should be because it seems like there is nowhere to go but down for Dockers. He gets so much out of every position on a weekly basis that at some point logic would dictate there is at least a slight drop off from the likes of Gronk, Nelson and Newton. Of course, maybe they are just really good and that is just wishful thinking on my part. I guess Lawfirm only banking 19 yards last week should be solace, but it wasn’t the type of game in which he would be utilized. Also, Mike Wallace didn’t score but only because his knee grazed the ground, so no comfort there. Not gonna lie, I want them to win the least out of the remaining players, and I’m not really sure why. Probably has something to do with the fact I will have to see both of them and be reminded of it if they win, which always blows ass. If Leon wins I will just ignore his initial string of garbled french messages and then never hear about it again until next year. If Androo wins he will probably post something on the UBC Alumni newsletter homepage but then I’d never talk to him. Not like he goes on chat or anything except to poach one-liners. We don’t hang out. But if Dockers win I will have to hear their actual voices tell me they won. FUCK THAT. Havve you heard their voices? They have built a very competitive team, mostly on the back of a guy they payed $3 for and a TE nobody would have predicted would put together the season Gronk is having. I don’t know if that makes them incredibly smart or incredibly lucky. Either way, going to try to put an end to the first-year powerhouse and Western Conference Champs’ season this Sunday.
They’re called toques, not beanies, you stupid American fucks. And don’t you forget it.
I would love nothing more than to use this space to openly gloat about how good it feels to be in the playoffs and how anybody who isn’t in the playoffs should hang themselves by their own dicks with chicken wire. But in all good faith I can’t do that because of how close I came to being one of you losers. All of us really. The difference between winning and losing is so microscopic and so much of it is left to chance I can’t in all good faith gloat. So I won’t. Instead, let’s take a look at how or lives have changed since the start of The League 2011.
So much has happened in all of our lives between the draft and now.
Davey’s sister got married and he pissed in a closet.
Karl went back to school. And it wasn’t to learn how to not be gay. Also moved in with his Mom. Huge regression.
Sprov came to Richmond and had a beer with us.
Leon’s dad sold his boat.
Danny got a job at some fancy money counting warehouse while Prabu lost his (sorry, bro).
Andrew remained a mystery but I can confirm he learned at least a little bit about Quebec.
Matt had a kid. Repeat: the guy who sends us messages on a bi-weekly basis about how black out he is and sees more rails covered in white than the Polar Express had a kid. Another kid. Take that in.
Hougham and Marc moved from the hallowed ground of The Compound to the Tokyo Compound.
Billy cooked a huge burger and took a picture of it. Didn’t fight Stev. Also got a background check which revealed that time I got him thrown in the drunk tank is on his permanent record. Best. Ever.
Blyth is a property manager now. Not certain of what he did before.
Dan’s hair length remained startlingly consistent and he moved in to a new apartment.
Stev did a lot of drugs and made a lot of racist jokes.
And me, well, I wrote 13 power polls and masturbated approximately 189 times. I actually did the math. That is a legit estimate.
14. captain insano
In honour of Stev I have used his version of grammar for the following.
Over the past three weeks, Stev has averaged an abysmal 71 points. Think thats bad? Its actually 66 points. Left his QB slot open again as Josh Freeman sat out with a sore shoulder. With Bradford out as well it means Stev doesn’t have a starting pivot. I guess when your team is as shitty as Stevs you just quit because their is no point, but absentee ownership is frowned upon. If Stev spent half the time he did coming up with nigger puns making fantasy football decisions he’d be in the playoffs.
13. The Wops!!
Due to budget constraints this analysis is not available. Instead we offer this clip of the Moesha theme song.
Hung his hat on Atlanta this year and they really fucked him. Or he fucked himself. Probably both. Finished the year second last and might have deserved worse. The only reason he is as high as 12 is Stev needed to taste the basement and Sprov had a fucking terrible week. No faith in his team at any position except for MJD. I think all his late season trading was a lot of smoke and mirrors from a guy that knew he had a losing squad about Week 3. You’re better than this Billy, pick it up next year or I will come up with new and better ways to shame you in to performing at a higher level.
11. Suck it Trebek
I’ve said the same thing every week about Prabu’s team so instead of reiterating, let’s have another short film review.
Warrior stars the up and coming Tom Hardy (INCEPTION, Dark Knight Rises) and Joel Edgerton (King Arthur, Animal Kingdom) as estranged brothers who are both very good at punching people in the face. Their father Nick Nolte is a recovering alcoholic who pushed them too hard as kids and drove their mother away or something. So he pretty much plays himself. The important part is that the fighting is fucking intense and the acting is top notch. The brothers are estranged but both enter the Sparta tournament, a winner take all 16-man competition that sees the winner net a cool million. Thought this movie was gonna blow then it was downright riveting. I highly recommend you watch it high. If you like this, check out Redbelt too. Chiwetel Ejiofor as a martial arts instructor who returns to the cutthroat world of professional fighting. Even better. Mamet. Boners.
10. Gridiron GIANT
Made some maneuvers at the last minute to try and swing his fortunes but he was a borderline team all season long and lost his spot on the last day. Ouch. The saddest part is he is pretending not to care, brushing it off like it ain’t no than but a chicken wang, when deep down inside he is in deep agony. It’s hard to watch really. I think he might be in shock. Legitimately concerned he is going to snap out of it in Seattle and go on a killing rampage.
9. CHRIST PUNCHERS
Second-highest scoring team not to make the dance and averaged more than 100 points for the last seven weeks of the season. Hard to say how he would have made out if not for the early injuries, but his late-season rise through the ranking was both inspiring and frightening for those in front of him. Still making moves going in to consolation and willing to risk his 10th place finish for a ninth place finish. That’s good hustle. A commendable rookie season in fantasy football, and I’m guessing from his fervent dedication to all things CHRISTPUNCHER that we have hooked him for life.
8. Peaty Whisky
Losing Forte is a massive blow, and with each passing week Stafford loses a bit of that magic that made him an early-season top-five fantasy QB. I haven’t lost total faith in Peaty as Matthews looked pretty effective against Jax and Bradshaw is back and he has weapons but it seems like the universe is out to get Matt lately. I wonder why? Eight is a bit harsh but he is on the lowest swing of any team entering the playoff race.
By the skin of my teeth I made it in, but now that I’m here, watch out fuckers. Vick is back. Green is healthy. Helu looks to be the starter in Washington, Ray Rice and Boldin face Indy this week. An up and down year for me but some strong performances over the last few weeks to close out the regular season and a healthy roster means I am back in the hunt and looking to repeat. Gonna start by trouncing the Commissioner this weekend and it will be all the more sweet when I am there in person to watch the Seahawks DEF close out his precious Rams in person. Suck it, Dave.
Goes in to the playoffs at a low point, getting lit up by the upstart Rape squad in Week 13, which was a prime example of how vulnerable Karl really is. Catch the Saints on even a mediocre week and his whole team goes down the shitter. Murray finally showed he is mortal, Damian is a good flex but far from a sure thing and the Texans DEF, while formidable, spends too much time on the field now that AJ and Schaub are gone to be considered elite. Karl says he wants Holyfield, but I think he really just wants a dick in his ear.
Don’t care what his record is or how many points he scored, I can’t look at that lineup with anything but skepticism and doubt. Romo and the Cowboys play for the world’s dumbest coach, Gaffney is worthless with Moss back and Jacobs likewise now that Bradshaw has returned. His best weapon this week is most likely the Baltimore DEF and I’ll be interested to see if he actually leaves Bowe on the bench against the Jets. If he can get through this week and get McFadden and Manningham back I will give him some more respect, but I can’t in all good faith rank him above the four teams in front of him. Had a fantastic year for a rookie though and even if he doesn’t win (he won’t) he has acquitted himself like a true professional.
4. LIONel Hutz
If I had to rank people I don’t want to play in Week 1, Hutz would be at the top of that list. MEGATRON, Eli looking good, Michael Bush getting mad carries and of course Percy Harvin, who might be the best player on his team right now as long as AP stays injured. His bench concerns me though, or rather doesn’t concern me. No depth at WR and little to fall back on if he moves Harvin to flex and starts one of the shit bird RBs he has kicking around. Hope to meet him in The Finals.
3. Cool Hand Luke
Has been very hot as of late but all that’s about to change this weekend when he goes up against the defending Champeen. I said last week his team looked like shit and that it wold probably beast, and it did. Rivers put up big points, Shady did his thing and CJ was studly. But with Vick back, McCoy won’t get as much work, the Jax secondary blew coverage on three of those TD passes and McCluster won’t catch a miracle TD good for 13 points all on its own. Also with Gronk going for the record for TD receptions I’m thinking they feed him instead of Hernandez. Or maybe that bastard Bill does the opposite. Maybe he deserves better than three but I don’t look at that lineup and get scared, I get hungry. Gonna feast on Cool Hand Luke this weekend.
PS. Golden Tate? He got his one TD last week. Stop trying to shoehorn your way in to the Monday nighter.
A scary, scary team entering the playoffs. Gronk is going to shatter the TDs by a TE record, Newton already broke rushing TDs by a QB, and there is probably another record waiting to be broken somewhere on his roster. Wallace and Pitt just getting going and as long as New England isn’t playing a powerhouse he racks up points. Jordy Nelson made one of the most ridiculous catches I’ve ever seen last week. You should YouTube it. Or just take my word for it. Or just replay it in your mind because you’ve already seen it 50 times. Either way, HONOUR IT! His weakness now that Hillis is out (again) is at flex. Remember all that money he spent on Jackie Battle? And Lance Ball? Ceddy Benny might be hurt too. Better hope Harry Douglas (sounds like a euphemism for really gay sex) has a big week left in the tank because Meachem had his TD last week.
He may have lost to Davey last week but his body of work, unlike his actual body, is thoroughly impressive. Stormed out of the gates and imposed his will all season long. Much like Karl his weakness is also his strength as he rides the coattails of a devastating Green Bay offense. In my Week 1 Power Poll I ranked him first and now here we are, months later and he has finished first in the regular season and sits atop the rankings. I am awesome.
“If Billy rents a barn, I’ll help him buy the farm.”
Stev’s jokes usually involve crude racism or murdering his girlfriend, but this week he showed some genuine gumption with this clever gem of a quote. Like any great joke, it works on many levels.
First of all, it is within the context of the conversation. I had just shared with the group that Brian Burke once offered to rent a barn in Lake Placid in which to fight Kevin Lowe. Burkie was still pissed about the Dustin Penner offer sheet. Love BB.
Secondly it takes the subject and elevates it, turning renting a barn, in to buying an entire farm. Buying>Renting. Farm>Barn. Heavy stuff, I know.
Also, “buy the farm” is an idiom itself for dying, like “kicking the bucket” or “biting the dust”. So by Stev saying he will help Billy buy the farm, what he’s really saying is he will help murder Beau Axibal. We all know that these threats are hollow but still clever word play.
Lastly, the quote has a distinct poetic quality to it, a perfect metre of six and six, and it also rhymes.
Maybe the best phrase Stev has ever or will ever turn in my mind. And this is a guy who came up with the Dwayne Hole-oson pun. Lofty work to measure against.
I would fuck the bejeesus out of Double C. Just get Parliamentary on that ass.
Fuck. You. Billy. Could have done us all a favour on Sunday and took down the one they call Stev, but had to Billy it up and keep him in the hunt. Next time, turn down the Billy.
13. Suck it Trebek
Even now I look at his team and wonder how it all went wrong. Jimmy Graham is a fucking monster as is Dez Bryant and you could do worse than Mark Ingram and Brandon Lloyd. But Ryan Grant never panned out and Mendenhall and Tolbert while capable, didn’t have huge fantasy seasons. Also failed to target an elite fantasy QB and in this league you need the consistency that those positions provide. I expect bigger things from Prabu in the regular season next year, but with his roster he could do some damage in the loser’s bracket.
12. The Wops!!
A mammoth game from Tom Brady put him over the top against CP and eliminated the latter from playoff contention. Barely. Finally for Frank five of his guys (Brady, Branch, Keller, White and Hanson) had above-average outings and put him past the century mark, a rare feat this late in the season. Much like Prabu I expect better from Frank next year after consecutive seasons missing the playoffs. And also like Prabu his team could roll house in the loser’s bracket and put up big points when it matters the least.
Le sigh. I had all sorts of Rice-a-Roni being the San Francisco treat jokes ready after Ray Rice ran roughshod over the Niners. Alas, he had an average day against a crazy San Fran run defense and all glorious food puns had to be abandoned. Much like The Wops!! but on a smaller scale, I can’t seem to put it all together on any given Sunday. If Helu beasts, Addai fails. AJ Green has a big day, Boldin doesn’t see the end zone. If I can take down the juggernaut that is Karl come this weekend I can slip in to the playoffs, but I’m not holding my breath. Mostly because after years of smoking weed I have horrible lung capacity but also because New Orleans goes against a Suh-less Lions at home and the ‘Boys have Arizona.
CP’s glorious run to keep his playoff hopes alive was squashed by the villainous Sprov. Going in to Monday night it looked like an impossibility but Victor Cruz gave him a glimmer of hope, another cruel twist at the hands of the treasonous whore that is fantasy football. Cruz might be the midseason pick up of the year off of the waiver as far as WRs go. Came out of absolutely nowhere. And it’s a testament to Dan’s proclivity for fantasy that even after being officially eliminated he goes out and picks up Riley Cooper to bolster his roster. Good shit.
9. captain insano
Stev is the last person who deserves to be in the playoffs. Twice he has forgot to set his lineup properly and ended up winning both times. I’d wonder if there was a horseshoe up his ass if I wasn’t certain there were already several black dicks in there.
8. Gridiron GIANT
Peterson and Smith are both question marks and Nicks looks like #2 in NY. On the other hand (best transition statement ever), Pierre and LaGarrette looked goooooooood, Miles Austin should return to the lineup this week (albeit in a limited role) and Tim Tebow is Tim Tebow. It’s all on the line this weekend against CP. If I win, he loses, and Hutz outscores him by 24 points in a winning effort against Juice he would be on the outside looking in. Which I’m sure as an advanced Obvioustician training under Leon he already knew. My advice: start Jacquizz Rodgers. Can’t go wrong.
7. LIONel Hutz
A number of astute trades are evidence of his fantasy prowess despite a mediocre record, benefiting from Peaty’s unwavering desire to unload Eli and taking advantage of the trigger-happy Brink to land the monster that is MEGATRON. If Harvin weren’t dragged down at the one-yard line he would have put up an even bigger number. Beware the Hutz if he sneaks in to the playoffs, which looks like a sure thing if I can’t take down Karl as he goes against a very beatable Juice squad this weekend. I’d rate him higher if I didn’t hate his very being.
6. Peaty Whisky
In a move right out of the Crich playbook he picked up the New Orleans defense to hedge his bets against his own starting QB. This strategy theft was clearly in response to me stealing his trademark pissing in strange places while drunk maneuver. Well played. His team has the ability to put up a huge number when it’s on but is also capable of being very shitty. Guys like VJax, Moore and the notorious StevieJ either put up two TDs or are invisible. Par for the course for Wrs I guess but his squad seems to roller coaster, looking terrifying one week and pedestrian the next. Also the Crab. I hate the Crab. Will be a tough opponent for anybody who goes against him in the playoffs as his key guys all play for teams with things left to play for.
5. Dockers United FC
See what happens when Gronk doesn’t score two TDs. Quite the fall from grace for Dockers who topped the poll last week but had their flaws exposed by the Commish on Sunday. But Dockers has some TASTY matchups this weekend. Newton against the horrible TB DEF, his Pats against Indy, His DEF against the Redskins and Jordy going against the NYG secondary. So he should hit a high note going in to Week 14. We all laughed at their draft strategy, but they parlayed Schaub in to better players, made some shrewd trades and have rode Newton and the Patriots throughout the entire season. Who’s laughing now?
4. Cool Hand Luke
Dave’s team looks like shit this week. Then again I’ve said that pretty much every week and he keeps winning so he’ll probably shit kick his opponent in Week 13. No matter which way you slice it, McCluster shouldn’t have outscored Wallace last week and Davey should have lost. I swear he has had three super lucky victories last week (beating Brink by 0.3 comes to mind as well). Do I sound jeally? Because I am.
3. The Brink
If I told you at the beginning of the year that one of the best teams in Week 13 would be starting Laurent Robinson, Doug Baldwin, Reggie Bush and Nate Washington you would tell me to fuck right off. For the third time that day. Then if I told you it would be Leon you would probably punch me right in the anus. Then I would block your anus punch with my patented block move. After that it’s anybody’s guess.
That’s the Leprechauns we all know and hate.
1. HURRICANE DITKA
Karl pulled a sellout so large on Sunday he made Danny look reliable. Told me all day he would come Downtown with me then bailed at the last second like a bitch, leaving me to go at it alone. I hope he regrets it, because he missed out big time. We sat in over-sized leather chairs, hobnobbed with BC Lions and drank free beers that certainly weren’t meant for us. It was a magical evening, and the best part was there were no brown people there. Unless you count the sixty or so brown people there. Karl had a big bounce back season and his key players all play for good teams so as much as I am bitter he didn’t come with me on Sunday I do think he has a shot at the title. And Gayest Man Alive 2012. Stiff competition in Danny though.