I would love nothing more than to use this space to openly gloat about how good it feels to be in the playoffs and how anybody who isn’t in the playoffs should hang themselves by their own dicks with chicken wire. But in all good faith I can’t do that because of how close I came to being one of you losers. All of us really. The difference between winning and losing is so microscopic and so much of it is left to chance I can’t in all good faith gloat. So I won’t. Instead, let’s take a look at how or lives have changed since the start of The League 2011.
So much has happened in all of our lives between the draft and now.
Davey’s sister got married and he pissed in a closet.
Karl went back to school. And it wasn’t to learn how to not be gay. Also moved in with his Mom. Huge regression.
Sprov came to Richmond and had a beer with us.
Leon’s dad sold his boat.
Danny got a job at some fancy money counting warehouse while Prabu lost his (sorry, bro).
Andrew remained a mystery but I can confirm he learned at least a little bit about Quebec.
Matt had a kid. Repeat: the guy who sends us messages on a bi-weekly basis about how black out he is and sees more rails covered in white than the Polar Express had a kid. Another kid. Take that in.
Hougham and Marc moved from the hallowed ground of The Compound to the Tokyo Compound.
Billy cooked a huge burger and took a picture of it. Didn’t fight Stev. Also got a background check which revealed that time I got him thrown in the drunk tank is on his permanent record. Best. Ever.
Blyth is a property manager now. Not certain of what he did before.
Dan’s hair length remained startlingly consistent and he moved in to a new apartment.
Stev did a lot of drugs and made a lot of racist jokes.
And me, well, I wrote 13 power polls and masturbated approximately 189 times. I actually did the math. That is a legit estimate.
14. captain insano
In honour of Stev I have used his version of grammar for the following.
Over the past three weeks, Stev has averaged an abysmal 71 points. Think thats bad? Its actually 66 points. Left his QB slot open again as Josh Freeman sat out with a sore shoulder. With Bradford out as well it means Stev doesn’t have a starting pivot. I guess when your team is as shitty as Stevs you just quit because their is no point, but absentee ownership is frowned upon. If Stev spent half the time he did coming up with nigger puns making fantasy football decisions he’d be in the playoffs.
13. The Wops!!
Due to budget constraints this analysis is not available. Instead we offer this clip of the Moesha theme song.
Hung his hat on Atlanta this year and they really fucked him. Or he fucked himself. Probably both. Finished the year second last and might have deserved worse. The only reason he is as high as 12 is Stev needed to taste the basement and Sprov had a fucking terrible week. No faith in his team at any position except for MJD. I think all his late season trading was a lot of smoke and mirrors from a guy that knew he had a losing squad about Week 3. You’re better than this Billy, pick it up next year or I will come up with new and better ways to shame you in to performing at a higher level.
11. Suck it Trebek
I’ve said the same thing every week about Prabu’s team so instead of reiterating, let’s have another short film review.
Warrior stars the up and coming Tom Hardy (INCEPTION, Dark Knight Rises) and Joel Edgerton (King Arthur, Animal Kingdom) as estranged brothers who are both very good at punching people in the face. Their father Nick Nolte is a recovering alcoholic who pushed them too hard as kids and drove their mother away or something. So he pretty much plays himself. The important part is that the fighting is fucking intense and the acting is top notch. The brothers are estranged but both enter the Sparta tournament, a winner take all 16-man competition that sees the winner net a cool million. Thought this movie was gonna blow then it was downright riveting. I highly recommend you watch it high. If you like this, check out Redbelt too. Chiwetel Ejiofor as a martial arts instructor who returns to the cutthroat world of professional fighting. Even better. Mamet. Boners.
10. Gridiron GIANT
Made some maneuvers at the last minute to try and swing his fortunes but he was a borderline team all season long and lost his spot on the last day. Ouch. The saddest part is he is pretending not to care, brushing it off like it ain’t no than but a chicken wang, when deep down inside he is in deep agony. It’s hard to watch really. I think he might be in shock. Legitimately concerned he is going to snap out of it in Seattle and go on a killing rampage.
9. CHRIST PUNCHERS
Second-highest scoring team not to make the dance and averaged more than 100 points for the last seven weeks of the season. Hard to say how he would have made out if not for the early injuries, but his late-season rise through the ranking was both inspiring and frightening for those in front of him. Still making moves going in to consolation and willing to risk his 10th place finish for a ninth place finish. That’s good hustle. A commendable rookie season in fantasy football, and I’m guessing from his fervent dedication to all things CHRISTPUNCHER that we have hooked him for life.
8. Peaty Whisky
Losing Forte is a massive blow, and with each passing week Stafford loses a bit of that magic that made him an early-season top-five fantasy QB. I haven’t lost total faith in Peaty as Matthews looked pretty effective against Jax and Bradshaw is back and he has weapons but it seems like the universe is out to get Matt lately. I wonder why? Eight is a bit harsh but he is on the lowest swing of any team entering the playoff race.
By the skin of my teeth I made it in, but now that I’m here, watch out fuckers. Vick is back. Green is healthy. Helu looks to be the starter in Washington, Ray Rice and Boldin face Indy this week. An up and down year for me but some strong performances over the last few weeks to close out the regular season and a healthy roster means I am back in the hunt and looking to repeat. Gonna start by trouncing the Commissioner this weekend and it will be all the more sweet when I am there in person to watch the Seahawks DEF close out his precious Rams in person. Suck it, Dave.
Goes in to the playoffs at a low point, getting lit up by the upstart Rape squad in Week 13, which was a prime example of how vulnerable Karl really is. Catch the Saints on even a mediocre week and his whole team goes down the shitter. Murray finally showed he is mortal, Damian is a good flex but far from a sure thing and the Texans DEF, while formidable, spends too much time on the field now that AJ and Schaub are gone to be considered elite. Karl says he wants Holyfield, but I think he really just wants a dick in his ear.
Don’t care what his record is or how many points he scored, I can’t look at that lineup with anything but skepticism and doubt. Romo and the Cowboys play for the world’s dumbest coach, Gaffney is worthless with Moss back and Jacobs likewise now that Bradshaw has returned. His best weapon this week is most likely the Baltimore DEF and I’ll be interested to see if he actually leaves Bowe on the bench against the Jets. If he can get through this week and get McFadden and Manningham back I will give him some more respect, but I can’t in all good faith rank him above the four teams in front of him. Had a fantastic year for a rookie though and even if he doesn’t win (he won’t) he has acquitted himself like a true professional.
4. LIONel Hutz
If I had to rank people I don’t want to play in Week 1, Hutz would be at the top of that list. MEGATRON, Eli looking good, Michael Bush getting mad carries and of course Percy Harvin, who might be the best player on his team right now as long as AP stays injured. His bench concerns me though, or rather doesn’t concern me. No depth at WR and little to fall back on if he moves Harvin to flex and starts one of the shit bird RBs he has kicking around. Hope to meet him in The Finals.
3. Cool Hand Luke
Has been very hot as of late but all that’s about to change this weekend when he goes up against the defending Champeen. I said last week his team looked like shit and that it wold probably beast, and it did. Rivers put up big points, Shady did his thing and CJ was studly. But with Vick back, McCoy won’t get as much work, the Jax secondary blew coverage on three of those TD passes and McCluster won’t catch a miracle TD good for 13 points all on its own. Also with Gronk going for the record for TD receptions I’m thinking they feed him instead of Hernandez. Or maybe that bastard Bill does the opposite. Maybe he deserves better than three but I don’t look at that lineup and get scared, I get hungry. Gonna feast on Cool Hand Luke this weekend.
PS. Golden Tate? He got his one TD last week. Stop trying to shoehorn your way in to the Monday nighter.
A scary, scary team entering the playoffs. Gronk is going to shatter the TDs by a TE record, Newton already broke rushing TDs by a QB, and there is probably another record waiting to be broken somewhere on his roster. Wallace and Pitt just getting going and as long as New England isn’t playing a powerhouse he racks up points. Jordy Nelson made one of the most ridiculous catches I’ve ever seen last week. You should YouTube it. Or just take my word for it. Or just replay it in your mind because you’ve already seen it 50 times. Either way, HONOUR IT! His weakness now that Hillis is out (again) is at flex. Remember all that money he spent on Jackie Battle? And Lance Ball? Ceddy Benny might be hurt too. Better hope Harry Douglas (sounds like a euphemism for really gay sex) has a big week left in the tank because Meachem had his TD last week.
He may have lost to Davey last week but his body of work, unlike his actual body, is thoroughly impressive. Stormed out of the gates and imposed his will all season long. Much like Karl his weakness is also his strength as he rides the coattails of a devastating Green Bay offense. In my Week 1 Power Poll I ranked him first and now here we are, months later and he has finished first in the regular season and sits atop the rankings. I am awesome.