Week 14 Power Poll: Playoff Edition

I would love nothing more than to use this space to openly gloat about how good it feels to be in the playoffs and how anybody who isn’t in the playoffs should hang themselves by their own dicks with chicken wire. But in all good faith I can’t do that because of how close I came to being one of you losers. All of us really. The difference between winning and losing is so microscopic and so much of it is left to chance I can’t in all good faith gloat. So I won’t. Instead, let’s take a look at how or lives have changed since the start of The League 2011.

So much has happened in all of our lives between the draft and now.

Davey’s sister got married and he pissed in a closet.

Karl went back to school. And it wasn’t to learn how to not be gay. Also moved in with his Mom. Huge regression.

Sprov came to Richmond and had a beer with us.

Leon’s dad sold his boat.

Danny got a job at some fancy money counting warehouse while Prabu lost his (sorry, bro).

Andrew remained a mystery but I can confirm he learned at least a little bit about Quebec.

Matt had a kid. Repeat: the guy who sends us messages on a bi-weekly basis about how black out he is and sees more rails covered in white than the Polar Express had a kid. Another kid. Take that in.

Hougham and Marc moved from the hallowed ground of The Compound to the Tokyo Compound.

Billy cooked a huge burger and took a picture of it. Didn’t fight Stev. Also got a background check which revealed that time I got him thrown in the drunk tank is on his permanent record. Best. Ever.

Blyth is a property manager now. Not certain of what he did before.

Dan’s hair length remained startlingly consistent and he moved in to a new apartment.

Stev did a lot of drugs and made a lot of racist jokes.

And me, well, I wrote 13 power polls and masturbated approximately 189 times. I actually did the math. That is a legit estimate.

14. captain insano

In honour of Stev I have used his version of grammar for the following.

Over the past three weeks, Stev has averaged an abysmal 71 points. Think thats bad? Its actually 66 points. Left his QB slot open again as Josh Freeman sat out with a sore shoulder. With Bradford out as well it means Stev doesn’t have a starting pivot. I guess when your team is as shitty as Stevs you just quit because their is no point, but absentee ownership is frowned upon. If Stev spent half the time he did coming up with nigger puns making fantasy football decisions he’d be in the playoffs.

13. The Wops!!

Due to budget constraints this analysis is not available. Instead we offer this clip of the Moesha theme song.

12. Juice

Hung his hat on Atlanta this year and they really fucked him. Or he fucked himself. Probably both. Finished the year second last and might have deserved worse. The only reason he is as high as 12 is Stev needed to taste the basement and Sprov had a fucking terrible week. No faith in his team at any position except for MJD. I think all his late season trading was a lot of smoke and mirrors from a guy that knew he had a losing squad about Week 3. You’re better than this Billy, pick it up next year or I will come up with new and better ways to shame you in to performing at a higher level.

11. Suck it Trebek

I’ve said the same thing every week about Prabu’s team so instead of reiterating, let’s have another short film review.

Warrior stars the up and coming Tom Hardy (INCEPTION, Dark Knight Rises) and Joel Edgerton (King Arthur, Animal Kingdom) as estranged brothers who are both very good at punching people in the face. Their father Nick Nolte is a recovering alcoholic who pushed them too hard as kids and drove their mother away or something. So he pretty much plays himself. The important part is that the fighting is fucking intense and the acting is top notch. The brothers are estranged but both enter the Sparta tournament, a winner take all 16-man competition that sees the winner net a cool million. Thought this movie was gonna blow then it was downright riveting. I highly recommend you watch it high. If you like this, check out Redbelt too. Chiwetel Ejiofor as a martial arts instructor who returns to the cutthroat world of professional fighting. Even better. Mamet. Boners.

10. Gridiron GIANT

Made some maneuvers at the last minute to try and swing his fortunes but he was a borderline team all season long and lost his spot on the last day. Ouch. The saddest part is he is pretending not to care, brushing it off like it ain’t no than but a chicken wang, when deep down inside he is in deep agony. It’s hard to watch really. I think he might be in shock. Legitimately concerned he is going to snap out of it in Seattle and go on a killing rampage.

9. CHRIST PUNCHERS

Second-highest scoring team not to make the dance and averaged more than 100 points for the last seven weeks of the season. Hard to say how he would have made out if not for the early injuries, but his late-season rise through the ranking was both inspiring and frightening for those in front of him. Still making moves going in to consolation and willing to risk his 10th place finish for a ninth place finish. That’s good hustle. A commendable rookie season in fantasy football, and I’m guessing from his fervent dedication to all things CHRISTPUNCHER that we have hooked him for life.

8. Peaty Whisky

Losing Forte is a massive blow, and with each passing week Stafford loses a bit of that magic that made him an early-season top-five fantasy QB. I haven’t lost total faith in Peaty as Matthews looked pretty effective against Jax and Bradshaw is back and he has weapons but it seems like the universe is out to get Matt lately. I wonder why? Eight is a bit harsh but he is on the lowest swing of any team entering the playoff race.

7. Rape

By the skin of my teeth I made it in, but now that I’m here, watch out fuckers. Vick is back. Green is healthy. Helu looks to be the starter in Washington, Ray Rice and Boldin face Indy this week. An up and down year for me but some strong performances over the last few weeks to close out the regular season and a healthy roster means I am back in the hunt and looking to repeat. Gonna start by trouncing the Commissioner this weekend and it will be all the more sweet when I am there in person to watch the Seahawks DEF close out his precious Rams in person. Suck it, Dave.

6. Ditka

Goes in to the playoffs at a low point, getting lit up by the upstart Rape squad in Week 13, which was a prime example of how vulnerable Karl really is. Catch the Saints on even a mediocre week and his whole team goes down the shitter. Murray finally showed he is mortal, Damian is a good flex but far from a sure thing and the Texans DEF, while formidable, spends too much time on the field now that AJ and Schaub are gone to be considered elite. Karl says he wants Holyfield, but I think he really just wants a dick in his ear.

5. Brink

Don’t care what his record is or how many points he scored, I can’t look at that lineup with anything but skepticism and doubt. Romo and the Cowboys play for the world’s dumbest coach, Gaffney is worthless with Moss back and Jacobs likewise now that Bradshaw has returned. His best weapon this week is most likely the Baltimore DEF and I’ll be interested to see if he actually leaves Bowe on the bench against the Jets. If he can get through this week and get McFadden and Manningham back I will give him some more respect, but I can’t in all good faith rank him above the four teams in front of him. Had a fantastic year for a rookie though and even if he doesn’t win (he won’t) he has acquitted himself like a true professional.

4. LIONel Hutz

If I had to rank people I don’t want to play in Week 1, Hutz would be at the top of that list. MEGATRON, Eli looking good, Michael Bush getting mad carries and of course Percy Harvin, who might be the best player on his team right now as long as AP stays injured. His bench concerns me though, or rather doesn’t concern me. No depth at WR and little to fall back on if he moves Harvin to flex and starts one of the shit bird RBs he has kicking around. Hope to meet him in The Finals.

3. Cool Hand Luke

Has been very hot as of late but all that’s about to change this weekend when he goes up against the defending Champeen. I said last week his team looked like shit and that it wold probably beast, and it did. Rivers put up big points, Shady did his thing and CJ was studly. But with Vick back, McCoy won’t get as much work, the Jax secondary blew coverage on three of those TD passes and McCluster won’t catch a miracle TD good for 13 points all on its own. Also with Gronk going for the record for TD receptions I’m thinking they feed him instead of Hernandez. Or maybe that bastard Bill does the opposite. Maybe he deserves better than three but I don’t look at that lineup and get scared, I get hungry. Gonna feast on Cool Hand Luke this weekend.

PS. Golden Tate? He got his one TD last week. Stop trying to shoehorn your way in to the Monday nighter.

2. Dockers

A scary, scary team entering the playoffs. Gronk is going to shatter the TDs by a TE record, Newton already broke rushing TDs by a QB, and there is probably another record waiting to be broken somewhere on his roster. Wallace and Pitt just getting going and as long as New England isn’t playing a powerhouse he racks up points. Jordy Nelson made one of the most ridiculous catches I’ve ever seen last week. You should YouTube it. Or just take my word for it. Or just replay it in your mind because you’ve already seen it 50 times. Either way, HONOUR IT! His weakness now that Hillis is out (again) is at flex. Remember all that money he spent on Jackie Battle? And Lance Ball? Ceddy Benny might be hurt too. Better hope Harry Douglas (sounds like a euphemism for really gay sex) has a big week left in the tank because Meachem had his TD last week.

1. Leprechauns

He may have lost to Davey last week but his body of work, unlike his actual body, is thoroughly impressive. Stormed out of the gates and imposed his will all season long. Much like Karl his weakness is also his strength as he rides the coattails of a devastating Green Bay offense. In my Week 1 Power Poll I ranked him first and now here we are, months later and he has finished first in the regular season and sits atop the rankings. I am awesome.

Search Terms That Lead Here

These are for the site to date, representing both the horrifying and hilarious. Excellent bathroom material.

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Big Stev Quote of the Week

“If Billy rents a barn, I’ll help him buy the farm.”

Stev’s jokes usually involve crude racism or murdering his girlfriend, but this week he showed some genuine gumption with this clever gem of a quote. Like any great joke, it works on many levels.

First of all, it is within the context of the conversation. I had just shared with the group that Brian Burke once offered to rent a barn in Lake Placid in which to fight Kevin Lowe. Burkie was still pissed about the Dustin Penner offer sheet. Love BB.

Secondly it takes the subject and elevates it, turning renting a barn, in to buying an entire farm. Buying>Renting. Farm>Barn. Heavy stuff, I know.

Also, “buy the farm” is an idiom itself for dying, like “kicking the bucket” or “biting the dust”. So by Stev saying he will help Billy buy the farm, what he’s really saying is he will help murder Beau Axibal. We all know that these threats are hollow but still clever word play.

Lastly, the quote has a distinct poetic quality to it, a perfect metre of six and six, and it also rhymes.

Maybe the best phrase Stev has ever or will ever turn in my mind. And this is a guy who came up with the Dwayne Hole-oson pun. Lofty work to measure against.

Week 13 Preview: Playoff Steaks Edition

The Match: HURRICANE DITKA (9-3) vs. Rapelithsberger (6-6)

The Stakes: 

A win for Ditka, combined with a Lep loss could make him the Regular Season Champ.  Beyond that Ditka has all but locked up the Western Division with a game lead, and 40 points over second place Dockers should it come down to a tie-breaker. However his two-seed is still in jeopardy.  If Ditka loses, and the Commish wins and outscores Ditka by a measly 4 points, the two teams would swap seeds.  I hesitantly point out that having our champion as a three seed would be an embarrassment to the Western Division.

For Rape of course this match is life or death.  A win and he’ll take either the seven or eight seed.  A loss, combined with a win from either Hutz or Insano (who would also have to outscore Rape by 7 pts) would knock the defending and still champion of the League into the consolation bracket.

The Players:

QB: VY put up big numbers against a terrible Pats secondary last week.  He’ll have to repeat that against an occasionally stingy Seahawks defence at CenturyLink this Thursday to have any hope of keeping pace with Brees.

WR: By starting 80% of the Saints offense Ditka is able to greatly reduce the week to week variability of getting touchdowns from his wideouts.  Between Colston and Moore at least one of them should be in for a solid day, and the way Brees is playing probably both.  Boldin and Green are facing the best and third best pass defences in the League (the best being the Browns, largely because of the emergence of shutdown corner Joe Haden – bad news for Boldin).

RB: Sproles and Murray have both emerged as studs, and both have promising match ups this week.  Because of the Browns surprising pass defence I expect the Ravens to lean even more heavily than usual on Ray Rice which could mean big numbers – and Rape will need them.  Helu blew up last week, and Shanny finally gave him the starting gig (which it was pretty clear he should have done around week 3).

The Rest:  Witten puts up fantasy numbers every other week so he’s due for a good game. Owen Daniels could be good if Yates leans on him as many poor QB’s do with their TE.  Burleson is a better flex than Ex-Flex Jones.  The Pats Defence should be solid in a game with one of the largest spreads (NFL) in Vegas history.

Prediction:  It all comes down to the Saints.  I fully expect the NFC East leading Cowboys to choke against the Cards, but Demarco should be fine regardless.  If the Saints beast again, which they probably will, Crich will be in for a long Sunday night.  I’m taking Ditka.

PeatyWhisky (7-5) vs. Suck It Trebek (2-10)

The Stakes:

A win from Peaty combined with a loss from the Brink could easily move Peaty up into the five seed.  Even Dockers four seed is reasonably attainable with a high score and losses from Dockers and the Brink for Peaty.  He has a decent cushion over the seven seed (myself) and is unlikely to fall backwards.  If the playoffs were today he would play his brother in a first round showdown.

The Players:

QB:  Stafford should be passing a lot with no decent running game and a likely shootout against the Saints.  Dalton has a tougher match with the Steelers.

WR:  VJax is another every other game guy, so he should bounce back against the Jags.  Stevie J is taking his craziness to new levels, and for a brief time that usually means good things (before overdosing on pills).  Dez is a bit more consistent than Stevie and Brandon Lloyd is more consistent than either one of them… but he’s going up against the 49ers on the road.

RB:  Forte is the clear stud here.  Mendenhall was able to beast against a solid Cinci D two weeks ago, and the Steelers may turn to him again after their offensive struggles last week against the Chiefs.  Matthews and Tolbert project pretty close with Matthews getting all the yards and Tolbert taking the TDs.

The Rest:  Jimmy G is the best TE in the league, but Gonzalez always has a decent shot at a TD.  Looks like Bradshaw won’t be back yet so Peaty will probably start Denarious.  I would probably play Moss or Ingram over Garcon if I were SIT.

Prediction:  SIT projects higher, but I’ll take Peaty to close out with a win.

Cool Hand Luke (8-4) vs. Leprechauns (9-3)

The Stakes:

CHL could move into the two seed with a win, or as far back as a five seed with a loss (combined with wins from Dockers and The Brink).  CHL also has an outside shot at winning the November points race – he needs to outscore Dockers by 18, and outscore CP.

A win for Leprechauns basically secures him the top seed.  Even with a loss, he probably cannot fall lower than two, and is a lock to win the Eastern Division.

The Players:

QB:  An underperforming Rivers hopes to avoid embarrassment on Monday night against an underrated Jacksonville D.  I wouldn’t be surprised if the Jags rallied after JDR was finally fired and played an inspired game.  And Rodgers takes on a Giants defence who has previously relied on their pass rush to make up for inexperienced linebackers and a shaky secondary.  And they no longer seem to have a pass rush.  And I’m going to bet on them.  And the Jags.  And the Cards.  Might not be a pretty week.

WR:  Wes Welker plays Indy which is good news for CHL considering his WR2 is Dexter McCluster – a guy who shouldn’t even be started at flex.  Greg Jennings looks to be in for a good week.  Torrey Smith could be explosive, unless the Browns decide that he, not Boldin, should be covered by Haden.

RB:  If CJ2K is back, and Shady just keeps bein Shady CHL has a scary ground game.  I’m praying Turner gets hurt in practice this week so I can confidently start Jacquizz at flex.  Beast Mode should be good against a weak Philly run D.

The Rest:  Both have solid TE’s who probably don’t get the targets they deserve.  DWill has a nice match-up and is a better play than the banged up Starks.

Prediction:  I’ll take CHL in the upset, thanks to the Giants pride kicking in and holding the Packers in check.  In combination with my Ditka pick, this puts the number one seed as a Western Team, which is appealing as well.

Dockers United FC (8-4) vs. captain insano (5-7)

The Stakes:

Dockers could climb to the three seed with a win and a loss from CHL.  Or they could fall as far as a six seed if they were to lose, and The Brink and Peaty were to win (by more than 20 in Peaty’s case).  Dockers is also the favourite to win the November points race with an 18 point lead on second place.

As sickening as it is, captain insano has an outside shot at making the playoffs.  Whether or not he even cares if he gets in is debatable.  No waiver moves this week, despite having Jahvid Best on IR on his bench.  Twice leaving positions empty this year, once that I can remember last year.  He can get in if he wins, Rape loses, and he can outscore Rape by 7 pts.

The Players:

QB:  Cam and Freeman face off in real football and in fake football this week.  I’ll take Tampa in real and Cam in fake.

WR:  My Stev rant has me feeling a little down, so I’m going to brighten the mood with a Brandon Marshall story that just hit the news.

From Rotoworld: “Brandon Marshall was handcuffed and briefly detained by police in Broward County, FL after being accused of fleeing a $142 cab fare.  The incident happen at around 5AM on November 14 at the Florida International Airport. The issue was resolved, but not until after Marshall tried to get out of paying. “He didn’t know where he wanted to go,” the driver said. “When I woke him up and told him he had to pay, he said he wasn’t and started arguing for me to take him home.” After exiting the cab and trying to flee in another, Marshall blamed the “misunderstanding” on the cab driver’s “accent.” Marshall’s agent, Kennard McGuire, claims his client was “completely innocent.”

RB: I don’t like any RB’s in this match.  Benson, SJax, and Beanie all have bad matchups.  BJGE will be getting pulled after New England puts up a huge lead in the first half to give rookie Shane Vereen a go.

The Rest:  The other best TE in the league Gronk should beast against the Colts.

Prediction:  Dockers puts an end to an insano season.  Stev demonstrates that he cares about the League by giving a solid attempt to win the consolation bracket.

LIONel Hutz (5-7) vs. Juice (3-9)

The Stakes:

Hallelujah! Lionel Hutz completely retooled his team to give himself the best shot at winning week 12 and 13 and was able to snap a five week losing streak at the midnight hour to keep himself in contention.  This week he is once again in a life or death match.  He must win his match, combined with a Rape loss, or a loss from myself while outscoring me by 24 to sneak in.

The Players:

QB: Eli will be throwing a lot against the Packers since the Giants have little ability to run the ball, and has a good shot at outscoring Matt Ryan.

WR:  Juice is making a ballsy play here starting Titus over Santonio, likely because he expects the Lions Saints game to be a shootout.  I like it.  Unfortunately he’s up against Megatron.  Percy Harvin looks explosive and is getting tons of touches with AP out.  Julio is still an inconsistent option.

RB:  Micheal Bush is projecting low against a surprisingly strong Dolphins Run D this week, but I haven’t seen anyone stop him yet.  MJD should find room to run against a weak Charger Run D.  A banged up Shonn Greene and CJ Spiller are never guys you want to be counting on.

The Rest:  DJax seems to barely have a job right now, but could easily go for 200yds and 2 TD’s any given week.  Who knows.  Hardesty looks banged up and is questionable to play, but Juice has several decent options to sub in.  The Atlanta D will sell out to try and bottle up Foster – if they can, then they have opportunities when Yates puts up the ball.

Prediction:  Hutz narrowly beats Juice, and is able to complete his 2011 revenge season over Rape by stealing the eight seed.

The Wops!! (4-8) vs. The Brink (8-4)

The Stakes:

Due to his low point total The Brink can really only slide back (to the six seed) this week, should he lose and Peaty win.  Any other outcome and he’s sittin pretty at five.

QB:  The Pats are a 21 point favourite over the Colts!  I’ll take Brady, even though Romo has a nice match too.

WR:  Somehow Robinson keeps getting it done for the Brink, and there’s no reason it can’t continue with Austin likely out another week.  Fitz is great, but as usual who knows if the Cards can get him the ball.  Roddy seems to be returning to form (too late for the Wops).  And Baldwin could see an increase in targets with Sidney Rice being placed on IR.

RB:  Willis McGahee is getting a ton of touches in Tebowland and is making the best of them behind what must be a pretty good Broncos offensive line.  Reggie Bush narrowly missed double digits last week, but has been downright solid for five weeks in a row.  Gore could have a nice game against the Rams, although he hasn’t been all that good in the last month and I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s slowing down the stretch.  MaMo will probably start for the Lions for whatever that’s worth.

The Rest:  Gates is another guy returning to form finally, and should be good this week if Rivers can hold it together.  Branch and Washington are both extremely inconsistent.

Prediction:  The Brink closes out with a win.

Gridiron GIANT (6-6) vs. CHRIST PUNCHERS (4-8)

The Stakes:

I am in the fortunate position of controlling my own destiny, and with a win I would hold the seven seed.  A loss, combined with a Hutz win (and outscoring me by 24) and a Rape win would bounce me out of the playoffs.

CP has a shot at winning the month if he can outscore Dockers by 18, and outscore CHL.  Although I am confident he would take more pleasure in spoiling my season.

The Players:

QB:  Right now I’m leaning towards my man Tim Tebow (which should make this game an easy pick for the Big Guy upstairs – as if CP hadn’t pissed him off enough).  I go up against a guy who I’ve never missed an opportunity to bash, Carson Palmer.  These are both QB’s who can put up big numbers… but everyone is kind of waiting for that disaster game from.  Interesting to see what happens.

WR:  Hakeem Nicks managed to survive a couple huge hits last game, and looked pretty good adding yards on after every catch.  Still, the clear number one in New York right now is Victor Cruz.  Hopefully the Packers have noticed this, and pay him some extra attention.  Antonio Brown is kind of a Victor Cruz lite in Pittsburgh (just subtract all the TD’s) in that he gets all the targets which went to Wallace last year.  He has a tough match up with Cinci, but I got tons of faith in Downtown.  Steve Smith is going to be his usual scary self – I’m counting on you Aquib Talib.

RB:  Blount has a great match up with Carolina, and I’ll need him to really step up in absence of AP and Kevin Smith.  Arian Foster is match up proof (although this is a bad one), and probably doesn’t need a QB.  Pierre Thomas has been doing good things on limited touches, but is not all that reliable with Ingram and Sproles to share the work with.  J Stew is also doing good things and has a great match up against the Bucs.

The Rest:  We have similarly inconsistent TE’s.  Amidst my injury issues, I don’t really have a solid flex at the moment.  I was leading towards Vereen and praying for garbage time.  Green Bay is the better D, but I’m counting on TJax to give the Eagles some turnovers.  Dan Bailey is America, for what that’s worth.

Prediction:  I really do think this is an extremely tight match.  And you know who to count on in those don’t you?

Record to Date: 41-39

Week 13 Power Poll: The Christy Clark Edition

I would fuck the bejeesus out of Double C. Just get Parliamentary on that ass.

14. Juice

Fuck. You. Billy. Could have done us all a favour on Sunday and took down the one they call Stev, but had to Billy it up and keep him in the hunt. Next time, turn down the Billy.

13. Suck it Trebek

Even now I look at his team and wonder how it all went wrong. Jimmy Graham is a fucking monster as is Dez Bryant and you could do worse than Mark Ingram and Brandon Lloyd. But Ryan Grant never panned out and Mendenhall and Tolbert while capable, didn’t have huge fantasy seasons. Also failed to target an elite fantasy QB and in this league you need the consistency that those positions provide. I expect bigger things from Prabu in the regular season next year, but with his roster he could do some damage in the loser’s bracket.

12. The Wops!!

A mammoth game from Tom Brady put him over the top against CP and eliminated the latter from playoff contention. Barely. Finally for Frank five of his guys (Brady, Branch, Keller, White and Hanson) had above-average outings and put him past the century mark, a rare feat this late in the season. Much like Prabu I expect better from Frank next year after consecutive seasons missing the playoffs. And also like Prabu his team could roll house in the loser’s bracket and put up big points when it matters the least.

11. Rapelithsberger

Le sigh. I had all sorts of Rice-a-Roni being the San Francisco treat jokes ready after Ray Rice ran roughshod over the Niners. Alas, he had an average day against a crazy San Fran run defense and all glorious food puns had to be abandoned. Much like The Wops!! but on a smaller scale, I can’t seem to put it all together on any given Sunday. If Helu beasts, Addai fails. AJ Green has a big day, Boldin doesn’t see the end zone. If I can take down the juggernaut that is Karl come this weekend I can slip in to the playoffs, but I’m not holding my breath. Mostly because after years of smoking weed I have horrible lung capacity but also because New Orleans goes against a Suh-less Lions at home and the ‘Boys have Arizona.

10. CHRISTPUNCHERS

CP’s glorious run to keep his playoff hopes alive was squashed by the villainous Sprov. Going in to Monday night it looked like an impossibility but Victor Cruz gave him a glimmer of hope, another cruel twist at the hands of the treasonous whore that is fantasy football. Cruz might be the midseason pick up of the year off of the waiver as far as WRs go. Came out of absolutely nowhere. And it’s a testament to Dan’s proclivity for fantasy that even after being officially eliminated he goes out and picks up Riley Cooper to bolster his roster. Good shit.

9. captain insano

Stev is the last person who deserves to be in the playoffs. Twice he has forgot to set his lineup properly and ended up winning both times. I’d wonder if there was a horseshoe up his ass if I wasn’t certain there were already several black dicks in there.

8. Gridiron GIANT

Peterson and Smith are both question marks and Nicks looks like #2 in NY. On the other hand (best transition statement ever), Pierre and LaGarrette looked goooooooood, Miles Austin should return to the lineup this week (albeit in a limited role) and Tim Tebow is Tim Tebow. It’s all on the line this weekend against CP. If I win, he loses, and Hutz outscores him by 24 points in a winning effort against Juice he would be on the outside looking in. Which I’m sure as an advanced Obvioustician training under Leon he already knew. My advice: start Jacquizz Rodgers. Can’t go wrong.

7. LIONel Hutz

A number of astute trades are evidence of his fantasy prowess despite a mediocre record, benefiting from Peaty’s unwavering desire to unload Eli and taking advantage of the trigger-happy Brink to land the monster that is MEGATRON. If Harvin weren’t dragged down at the one-yard line he would have put up an even bigger number. Beware the Hutz if he sneaks in to the playoffs, which looks like a sure thing if I can’t take down Karl as he goes against a very beatable Juice squad this weekend. I’d rate him higher if I didn’t hate his very being.

6. Peaty Whisky

In a move right out of the Crich playbook he picked up the New Orleans defense to hedge his bets against his own starting QB. This strategy theft was clearly in response to me stealing his trademark pissing in strange places while drunk maneuver. Well played. His team has the ability to put up a huge number when it’s on but is also capable of being very shitty. Guys like VJax, Moore and the notorious StevieJ either put up two TDs or are invisible. Par for the course for Wrs I guess but his squad seems to roller coaster, looking terrifying one week and pedestrian the next. Also the Crab. I hate the Crab. Will be a tough opponent for anybody who goes against him in the playoffs as his key guys all play for teams with things left to play for.

5. Dockers United FC

See what happens when Gronk doesn’t score two TDs. Quite the fall from grace for Dockers who topped the poll last week but had their flaws exposed by the Commish on Sunday. But Dockers has some TASTY matchups this weekend. Newton against the horrible TB DEF, his Pats against Indy, His DEF against the Redskins and Jordy going against the NYG secondary. So he should hit a high note going in to Week 14. We all laughed at their draft strategy, but they parlayed Schaub in to better players, made some shrewd trades and have rode Newton and the Patriots throughout the entire season. Who’s laughing now?

4. Cool Hand Luke

Dave’s team looks like shit this week. Then again I’ve said that pretty much every week and he keeps winning so he’ll probably shit kick his opponent in Week 13. No matter which way you slice it, McCluster shouldn’t have outscored Wallace last week and Davey should have lost. I swear he has had three super lucky victories last week (beating Brink by 0.3 comes to mind as well). Do I sound jeally? Because I am.

3. The Brink

If I told you at the beginning of the year that one of the best teams in Week 13 would be starting Laurent Robinson, Doug Baldwin, Reggie Bush and Nate Washington you would tell me to fuck right off. For the third time that day. Then if I told you it would be Leon you would probably punch me right in the anus. Then I would block your anus punch with my patented block move. After that it’s anybody’s guess.

2. Leprechauns

That’s the Leprechauns we all know and hate.

1. HURRICANE DITKA

Karl pulled a sellout so large on Sunday he made Danny look reliable. Told me all day he would come Downtown with me then bailed at the last second like a bitch, leaving me to go at it alone. I hope he regrets it, because he missed out big time. We sat in over-sized leather chairs, hobnobbed with BC Lions and drank free beers that certainly weren’t meant for us. It was a magical evening, and the best part was there were no brown people there. Unless you count the sixty or so brown people there. Karl had a big bounce back season and his key players all play for good teams so as much as I am bitter he didn’t come with me on Sunday I do think he has a shot at the title. And Gayest Man Alive 2012. Stiff competition in Danny though.